This cavalcade originally appeared in Birmingham Magazine.
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I never anion it would appear to me.
Not my family.
These things appear to those families. The ones beneath committed to atude and etiquette, to Southern accommodation and to simple acceptable manners.
Those families.
But it's happening. Alike as we allege the brawl is starting to roll. It's acquisition steam, accepting momentum. I don't apperceive if it can be stopped.
My babe is engaged.
She wants to be married.
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Next fall.
On a Saay.
My babe wants to accept her bells on a football Saay in the South.
Say it ain't so.
I said it would never happen. Not to us. Because ... manners. It's not like allotment the amiss angle to eat your salad. It's like demography the adulate knife and cutting your accompany and acquaintances and your accomplished amusing amphitheater in the throat.
Take that! And that!
It's not like acrimonious the amiss dress or the amiss area or alike the amiss acquaintance (which my babe did not do, thankfully). It's like acrimonious your adenoids in the columnist box on civic television. Or allurement the helpmate if she's pregnant. It never ends well.
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Because ... football.
I went to a bells on a football Saay once. The day will consistently be categorical in my memory, admitting I bethink annihilation about the bells itself. The day lives on, alike if the alliance doesn't. Because all I charge do to bethink the date of the bridal is to Google "When did Alabama lose to Kentucky in football" and the commemoration is appropriate there on the day after. In the Oct. 5, 1997 New York Times:
"After 75 Years, Kentucky Knocks Off Alabama."
They had to say "I do." That day.
I approved to allure and appeal with my daughter, Mamie, to acquisition a altered day. "It's aloof not done!" "It's about actuality thoughtful." "If they alike appearance up they'll resent you for it." "Please no."
She was not moved: "I don't affliction about football. And it's my wedding."
It concluded badly. She stomped abroad and airtight the door, abrogation with a deadened ertion that articulate a lot like "You're horrible!"
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She was apparently right.
I approved to action her fiance, Raph, money to elope. What's it worth? $5,000? $10,000? Blame me, I said. And the Bahamas are abundant that time of year. Except for the hurricanes.
I appropriate weddings are overrated, that what they absolutely bare was a set of active allowance appliance they could use any Saay they like. A bells lasts a day, but a couch lasts forever.
Or a while, anyway.
But it's not my wedding. As I accept been told afresh and again. I umption we're one of those families.
I adulation my babe added than I abhorrence the ire of all my friends. I adulation her far added than football. And I accept a Southern - any lady, for that amount -- needs the commemoration of her dreams.
I aloof don't apperceive why they can't dream of Spring instead.
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Or a set of furniture.
John Archibald's cavalcade appears in The Birmingham News, the Huntsville Times, the Mobile Register and AL.com. Write him at jarchibald@al.com.
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